Canadian Charter of Rights & Freedoms - Section 2
Well, that phase took an interesting turn this time. I have a boyfriend. Why is this an interesting turn? He's exactly what you would expect someone going through that phase to desire. Though the ironic part here is I quite literally have a blond blue eyed German boyfriend and I'm crying over a girl who is the opposite of all of that still. Make that make sense. Granted that phase seems to have dwindled a little bit since July. Though 13 year old me would've killed themself if they knew this would ahpoen. The still crying over someone who's the oppoiste, not the getting a German boyfriend. I got quite attached to the idea of moving to France and living in solitude away from the world forever to be honest. Avoiding any unneccessary contact I could. Granted he doesn't prevent that. Well the moving to France part he prevents, but I used to wanna move to Germany anyway.
I do have one fear though. Or one stronger than any others that I can write off as nothing but paranoia. A fear I have proof has already came true at least once. I don't think he'll ever really love me. I do think I could very easily fall in love with him, but thanks to that I'm not, and never will be, convinced he'll ever love me back. It's a lot y'know. I just lost my liebling and now I'm falling for someone else I may very well lose. It's an endless cycle. This time with him he's said he won't randomly ditch me, and that he doesn't see himself leaving me any time soon. But after my liebling I'm really not so sure how things will go anymore. She had me fully convinced I should move to France for her and then later tried to claim I was delusional and she never told me to go to France. (I have tons of screenshots of her saying it multiple times).It's all quite difficult to handle and accept. My life is a disaster. I started on this site (Neocities, not the site I'm writing this on, obviously 😂) in 2021 because I wanted to kms over Ted in Florida. Now it's 2023 I've considered Finland, France, Quebec, BC... Granted BC was also caused by Ted. The other's though, they were uniue people. Well, France and Quebec were caused by the same person too. It's complicated. You get the idea and if you don't you don't need to. I dunno I was meant to be dead 2 years ago and stayed for her and now she's gone and I'm staying for someone else and what am I gonna do when this ends? Hope for a third person so I can continue the never ending cycle of a living hell? All of this is fucked. After this, if there is an after this (hopefully not but y'know) I'm ending it for real. The moment this ends I'm booking a flight to France and it's all over. Everything. I'm never living this cycle again. I refuse to.
Truthfully I think I'm falling down a very negative, and hateful road. I know I am, actually. Within a few months I won't see it that way, but I am. The reality is that I'm falling down a path to nothing but racism. I know what caused it. Someone I loved changed my mind about race and then she hurt me and now I'm going back to my previous opinions. I know that. I have full awareness to what is causing this. I don't hate anyone but myself. I'm mad at myself for letting myself fall in love with her and the only way to protect myself from it happening again is to avoid anyone like her. Which is ironic because I also refuse to ever date anyone unless it's her or somebody freakishly similar to her. I realize this is a strange level of self awareness, but I've always been very aware of why my opinions were the way they were. I usully have great self awareness. In all times except when it really matters. I'm destined to fall down this path time and time again as more people gain my trust and break it. I know I am, and will. In all honesty I think the only truly safe place for me is the middle of nowhere. I want to move to a small town in France and avoid contact with anyone ever again. That's the only true way to insure I'll be safe in peace, or whatever the closest thing to it I'm capble of feeling is, forever. The reality that the only safe place for me is with nobody hurts. A lot. I dream of finding true love but I never will. I should have stuck to obsessing over Ted, and never gotten involved in the real world. The real world is disgusting and cruel. I hate it here. I hate it so fucking much you can't even begin to understand. I'm tired of this world, and if the only way other than death to escape it is to trap myself in a small town where I don't know anybody, then so be it.
Today is the day I predicted in my journal in 2021 I would die on. I've done and said things I've always sworn I hated people who did. Threatened suicide, spam texted, spam tweeted for that matter, tried to blame shit that I knew wasn't her fault on her... "Oh but you constantly say you don't feel empathy, what's the problem?" The problem is that with her I do. I do feel empathy for her. I feel awful for the shit I did. I really do. I just couldn't process in the moment that it would effect me too. I don't even really remember saying or doing those things. I have no clue what made me think it was okay. I was terrified, I know that for sure. I didn't want to lose her. She's all I've ever had. She's the only reason this journal didn't end in March 2021(my original site started in the summer of 2020). Oddly this exact day in 2021. I seem to have a liking towards todays date and I'm not sure why. It's an ex obsessions birthday, but it doesn't have any other relevance. I just have a weird attachment to it for some reason.
I have no justification, or explanation, to the things I did/said. And I will always regret those things more than anything.But now it's really up to her. It's her decision to come back or not whether I like it or not. I can't do anything. I love her, and I want to see her happy. Really, truly, happy. But I'm kind of upset I most likey won't be a part of what causes that happiness like I always hoped I would be.
"You're delusional manipulative and unfair."
Y'know I wasn't trying to be. I really do love her. I just wanted to make her happy. But if people are gonna think that no matter what I do, or how I act... Why shouldn't I be those things? Why shouldn't I live up to what they expect? They see me that way anyway, why not really be it?
The only way to survive in this world is without empathy anyway. I was doing just fine until she came along. Fuckin made me start feeling bad about shit I never would've thought about at all in the past. I want that feeling to go away and never come back. I want to be how I was before. I never wanna care about anyone ever again. It just ends in pain. I don't get what people like about this so much. It's miserable.
It's hopeless. I've lost her. Or will soon anyway. She won't even tell me what I did wrong. I can't do this. I was on a suicide mission before I met her and now that I feel like I'm losing her I feel like I'm losing everything. I don't have the energy to do anything right now. Just laying in my bed watching Winnie The Pooh and cuddling with stuffed toys crying. This is pathetic. I'm not supposed to need anyone. I'm not supposed to care about people. I always knew I wasn't meant to be here and therefore shouldn't get attached to people because I'll throw their lives off course but I did anyway. I got attached and I fucked everything up as always... I'll never do anything good here. My death needs to happen soon or I'll just continue to destroy things and hurt people. Sure I don't typically feel bad for people. But I feel bad for her. Who knows who I might next? I don't like feeling bad for people. It's shitty. I'm not supposed to be capable of this and I don't want to be. I just wanna get out of this place and kill myself. Finally have peace. Never hurt my liebling again... She's so perfect. Whoeevrr she ends up with will be beyond lucky. I hope she finds someone who loves her as much as I do. I really do. She deserves to have someone who knows how perfect she is. I just hate that I can't be that someone.
So um... This is awkward. I forgot to add an update. It's November now. I am in fact still alive. I also will still be alive as of the foreseeable future. I dunno. That's really all I have to say.
The last 48 hours have been a dive off the deep end for my mental health. As I’ve said many times on this site: I think I’m going to die at 18. Well, actually, 17. I made a list of predictions on my first ever website here. All of them came true a year early. I don’t think this will be any different.
It started off with well… Some shit I don’t want to talk about. That was okay. Ish. Not really. Nope. Not okay. I cried basically the entire night. And then when I woke up in the morning I kept crying. Then I carved a heart into my thigh. Definitely gonna leave a noticeable scar even once it’s healed. So I’m screwed on that front. Not to mention the blood stained my school uniform and I can’t get the stain out. When I went to school my guidance counsellor left me in a class I was meant to be switched out of. I also got put into a math class that while mandatory, I think I’ll fail. And I have the same idiotic English teacher as I did last year. God I hate that man with a fuckin passion. The hallways give me anxiety. I hate being around that many people. It freaks me out. And I felt sick the entire day + felt like I was overheating. Eating and drinking didn’t make me feel better either. I felt like I was gonna pass out on the bus ride home.
I have no motivation anymore honestly. My only motivation to care about graduating went out the window the second that uh… thing I don’t wanna explain… happened. I dunno man. I don’t think I’m gonna survive much longer. My existence in this universe was never meant to happen. And it’s coming to an end now. I know it is.
Love is salvation. Or so I thought, anyway.
Love is cruel. I would die for you. I will die for you. I love you.
-- I have the date set. I will be with you forever. Even if only spiritually.
And to anyone else reading this: This is your reminder I'm dramatic as fuck and probably won't be dead by the date I decided 😂.
I’ve always been a very firm believer in “love is salvation”. Love has always been something I relied on very heavily. When this site was first created the person I loved most was Ted. Then I met a guy online and sort of had interest in him for a while. But in reality, I was more interested in someone else I had met many months prior to meeting him. I met someone who gave me real happiness. Gave me real hope for the future. Someone who made me want to live. She was—or is—perfect… She doesn’t understand why I think that. Though quite frankly I don’t see how much more obvious it could be. She saved me. This time last year I planned on either being dead or in prison by now. Obviously that did not happen, and I will always be grateful to her for that. She gave me a chance at a normal life. She made me want to have a normal life. She was the reason I stopped posting here as much. But she doesn’t, and never will, love me back. I’ve accepted that. I have. Reality is reality, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. All I know now is that I no longer plan to kill myself in Florida at 18. I won’t say here where I’ve changed that location to. But it’s no where near Florida. In fact it’s not even in North America. That’s besides the point though. There’s a Latin saying, “ubi amor, ibi dolor”. It translates to “where there is love, there is pain”. That saying will always reign true. It’s a fact. However, living by the philosophy of “love is salvation” and loving someone you can’t have… You have no salvation. Love is salvation but will never last forever if it’s only one sided. Love is no longer my salvation. I know this. Love is what dooms me time and time again. Love is what has ironically destroyed my life. Not just about this specific person, but even when I loved Ted. I destroy my life for people. I just do. And I don’t care about it. I do everything I possibly can for these people and I never regret any of it. I still don’t regret any of it. I know I should, but I don’t. I never will. I’m not capable of regretting it because I know I did it for the sake of my happiness. That happiness however, no longer exists. Nor will it ever again. Love is not my salvation. Love is what has doomed me to be dead at 18. But hey, if universe wants it to happen it will. If the universe doesn’t want it to happen it won’t. So be it. Whatever fuckin happens, happens. I don’t care anymore. I never did in the first place. My life was never meant to exist. I look for purpose in other people in order to try and save myself hoping maybe some day I’ll find someone who can really save me. But nobody can. Nobody can save me. I am beyond the salvation of love. There is no “love is salvation”. I was doomed from the start. My death is inevitable. It was delusional to ever think I could find someone who could save me. Nobody can save except the fucking universe which has been zero help thus far. Just making shit worse and worse and worse my entire life. I give up. Okay? I accept it. I can’t find salvation in love. I can’t find someone who can save me. I was never supposed to exist in the first place. You can’t save someone who’s story was never written to have a happy ending in the first place. I’m 16 now. I have 2 years. If I find someone or something that can save me before then, then so be it. But I highly doubt that happens. So as of the time being: I believe very firmly I will die 2 years from now.
It recently occured to me that I left this site rather abruptly, and with a somewhat concerning last post. I am in fact still alive. Lol. Things have just been complicated lately and I couldn't post about it. But yeah, I'm alive. Even if I don't intend to be for too far into the future. I will continue to post here until that eventual time whenever it ends up being. With the way things are going now: I'd give it anywhere from a month to two years. Yeah. Large range. But if I'ma kill myself... The next two years after next month are the prime time to do it if I want to do it the way I wish. But as of the time being: I am alive. And I will continue to post for the forseeable future.
Tired of all of this shit. Just want this to be done with for good. For this damn site to serve its purpose as being nothing more than a record of my life.
This site used to be an escape from my other social media accounts where I could be anonymous and say whatever I wanted. Now I talk about my personal life both here and on other platforms. I don’t know if anyone from those accounts knows about this site but quite frankly I don’t want to take the chance. I’ll admit there’s certain topics I avoid posting about on my main social media pages and for a lot of reasons. I won’t say what those things are considering the things I just said about why I can’t. As a result of this however, I’ve felt trapped in an odd sense. I’ve felt as though I couldn’t truly express the feelings and thoughts I wanted to. To be honest I’ve felt this way for years. I’ve always felt restricted with what I could say and I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. My mind is so overwhelmingly filled with thoughts I can’t put down on paper or an online equivalent and that’s starting to catch up to me now. I used to say I’d be dead in Florida by the age of 18. There’s an equivalent to that which isn’t quite the same now… I can’t post it anywhere. I regret ever making a “name” for myself online. I know I’m obviously not like popular or anything. But I regret making myself identifiable between platforms. I can’t vocalize almost any of my thoughts or feelings anymore. Not even online. I have no “safe space” to rant about things. I have nothing. And I know you’re probably questioning what the fuck could be in my mind that I don’t want linked to my main social media accounts. But hey, I can’t fucking say that now can I.
I’m not really sure what to do. My mom is trying to talk me into moving schools to a public school because it’s closer to where I live. And because I hate my current school. But the idea of going to a public school terrifies me. So does the idea of going to a school I’ve never been to before. On top of that there’s also people I hate who go there that I thought I was finally getting the fuck away from when I found out we went to different high schools. An even bigger issue is it may not be a choice. My parents aren’t sure how I’m gonna get to and from school next year. The other school is within walking distance. I’m fuckin terrified bro. All my friends. My only friends. Go to my current school. I know all the teachers. I have the layout of the building memorized so I don’t get lost. I don’t think I could handle a new school. Not to mention public schools terrify me more than almost anything. And I know that sounds like some rich kid complaining about very rich kid specific problems. Except it’s not. Cause I’m not in a private school. I’m in a Catholic school. Which I also am not religious. So why wouldn’t I wanna go to a public school? I research true crime. I live in Ontario. Those seem like two perfectly good explanations. Ironically I’m probably the closest thing that school would have to a stereotypical quiet kid. But it’s still not something I wanna do. I don’t wanna go to that school. And I may get forced to if my sister doesn’t have a car by then because my dad is working again so he’ll be at work in the mornings and won’t be able to drive me. It’s over a 40 minutes walk. And that’s speed walking. To get to my current school. I don’t know what to do man. I’m beyond terrified now. I really am. I might be about to lose everything I have at this school. Which isn’t much. But it’s more than I would have anywhere else. And I never thought I’d be upset at the thought of leaving this place forever. But I honestly kind of am. And by kind of I mean I literally cried while writing this.
It's 4am right now. I tried to go to bed at a normal time but then I started over thinking and then I started crying and then I ended up on Twitter and now I'm here. My birthday is in well... It's the 31st. So tomorrow/the day after tomorrow. I'm wide awake right now despite the time. Granted I took a nap after school so that's probably why. I was gonna email my schools CYW but she doesn't work at this school anymore and I don't want to talk to the new one so I guess we're just having a breakdown at 4am with zero resources beyond ranting on a website. I don't know what to do tbh. 12 is well.. I love him. A lot. But he'll never love me back and I know that. He found someone else already anyway. There's no use in hope. Not to mention that one thing he said that I refuse to post here for a million reasons...... I have tons of missing assignments in school too which definitely isn't helping either. I feel stuck. Like everything is caving in on me. There is no way out of all this now. Not even death. Nothing. Nothing except waiting for karma to catch up to me. Not that I'm even the one in the wrong. I'm really not. I know I'm not. But y'know. It is what it is I guess. Idk man. Everything has gone to shit ever since 12 made that one post. It threw me off mentally and has destroyed me in every way possible. I have zero motivation for almost anything anymore. It hurts to know he said thst but I can't change his opinions so I guess it doesn't matter anyway.. I knew he'd probably never care about me from the start. For so many reasons. But this wasn't just "I'll never care about you" it was so much more than that.. It hurt so much more than that sentence ever could have. At least with that there would be ways to ignore it and continue on as usual. But this way.. Well this way what he meant isn't up for debate in the slightest. I'm not really sure what to do anymore to be completely honest. Everyone I cared about has left me. All of them. Every last one. I have nobody. Even my family claims they love me but can't even do something as basic as respect my name and pronouns. I have nothing. No genuine support. I'm 100% on my own and it's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought avoiding people and pushing people away would help because then no one could hurt me. But it turns out in reality all I was doing was hurting myself. The only thing I have to look forward to is that we're going to Florida for my birthday. Not this month. But eventually. Florida, Disney, it's honestly the only place I've felt genuine happiness since 6th grade. I don't know if it'll feel different this time or not. But I hope it doesn't. I want that happiness. I want my childhood joy. I want to ignore all the bullshit and just be happy for a week straight with zero distractions... So yeah, that's where wer're at now. Not sure I'm gonna get any sleep tonight but y'know. That's alright I guess. I'll be fine. I'll just take a nap after school tomorrow and go through this same cycle forever... Yeah. I'm gonna go work on some of my late assignments for school. Goodnight I guess.
Y'know on the entry page to this site I said "are you proud of what you've created". And to be honest the more I think about it, the more meaning that truly has. I mean really... I wonder what the people who have hurt me the most and caused me the most trauma would think if they saw this site. If they saw how I really feel. I spend most of my time these days on TikTok, Twitter, and Tumblr. My school work is ridiculously far behind.. I just don't know anymore. I really don't. These people will say they love me but act like they hate me and then act like it's some crazy concept when I don't believe their lies. 15 is a prime example of that. He said he cared... He still says he cares... But he doesn't. And he never did.
I no longer feel connection to this world. Not even in the simplest ways. Or at least not this reality of this world. I know this isn’t right. And yet still: Day after day I continue through this absolute bullshit. For what? I’m not really sure. The only life plan I have is to move to Germany once I’m out of university. I don’t know what I’ll study in university, nor do I know what I’ll do in Germany. All I know is I want to get as far away from everyone I know in Canada as I can. Sure the world as a whole is fucked up in this reality. But so are the people around me. If the only chance I have to ground myself here again is to distance myself from those who have hurt me, then so be it. I’ll move to another continent. I don’t care. I just want my life to be okay again. Then again, was it ever okay? I’ve always felt misplaced for as long as I can remember. And the irony of it all is I don’t hate myself. I don’t want to die because I hate me. I hate the world. I hate society. But I don’t hate myself. “Then why do you self harm?” Because I know I can’t direct my anger towards other people. I don’t hate me. I hate others, and take it out on myself. The reality of it all is that I tried to live a normal life when I was never made to live a normal life. I was never made live a life in this time period at all. I just wasn’t. I can blame it on whatever, but the reality is I tried to achieve something that was never meant to be; and when I failed I tried to blame everything except the actual cause. My entire life has came caving in on me the past 3 years and I blamed every person I could. To be honest I still kind of do. But I understand now that it wasn’t within their, or my, control. I threw things off. I wasn’t supposed to be here. Don’t get me wrong I’m not mad because I’m here. I’m mad because I don’t fit the pattern here. I was never meant to fit the pattern here. Regardless, I can’t change that fact. I’m determined to find a life plan and stick to it. I just don’t know what it will be or if I do figure it out, if it will fail miserably. I hope it doesn’t. But nothings worked out that well in the past… Alright, finally updating this site again. Unfortunately, I am indeed still alive and here to post some more bullshit for y’all to read. Anywayyyy, at the end of December I messaged 15 saying I felt like I was forcing the friendship. Turns out he was only still around because he was scared I’d either kill myself or shoot up the school if he left. Which for context: I NEVER SAID I WOULD DO EITHER OF THOSE THINGS. HE CAME TO THAT NONSENSE CONCLUSION ALL ON HIS OWN. I mean I don’t really care but still. Ouch. The fuck. Lol. Anyway that’s irrelevant. He’s a bitch. His loss. Idc. Though I do think I pissed him off with one of the last messages I sent him. It was completely deserved though tbh. Besides I didn’t say anything THAT bad. If he was offended by what I said then that’s on him. It wasn’t even personal. It was just a general statement. Anywayyyyyy I’d say cishet men piss me off but he’s neither cis nor het (his pronouns are he/they), and he’s gay. So yeahhhh. But like as I was saying, anywayyyyy. Look man, we got a new person to introduce. That person is now going by the code number 12. I guess in a way you could call 12 my crush, though that term feels slightly odd to me. Sounds like a 6th grader but whatever. Beyond that, I honestly don’t know. I feel like I’m exactly where I was in April-June of 2021. Which if anyone who witnessed that era of this site is still around… You know what that was like. It’s weird, for sure. I mean it feels like I’m constantly contradicting myself and that’s probably because I am. April-June 2021 was one of the darkest times for me mentally. In many ways. Falling back into that has been strange. It’s lead to a lot of my opinions changing again. Y’know. Back to how things were back in those months. And whenever the last time before that was. It’s never gonna be normal for me. It’s never gonna be who I am. I know it’s not. I deflect my anger and hatred towards other people constantly but in the end it’ll only hurt me when I realize the reality of what I’ve said over the period of however long this mess lasts. But hey, we all say dumb shit sometimes. So oh well. Not like it’s hurting anyone anyway. Only person it might’ve hurt is 15… Whatever. People are dumb. If they can’t see the reality behind things then that’s their problem to deal with, not mine. Quite frankly as of the time being my biggest concern is keeping myself entertained and away from boredom. Dear god there’s nothing to do anymore. Literally nothing. COVID this and COVID that. Can’t do shit anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’m fully vaccinated and wear masks and all that. But like… Can I please have my life back?? I’ll wear a mask. I’ll do what ya want. But please for the love of god let me have a somewhat normal life besides that. This is getting ridiculous. I’m wasting away my high school years in a goddamn pandemic. I’m in the second semester of grade ten and have only attended my school in person for 4 months. And I had to take gym and English during those 4 months. The fuck. Worst two classes to have to take. I mean at least I got my PE credit out of the way. But still. Damn. It sucks. Guess there’s no way around that one though, huh. Anyway, it’s getting kind of late and I have school in the morning so I’m gonna go to bed.
March 2, 2022
February 18, 2022
I no longer feel connection to this world. Not even in the simplest ways. Or at least not this reality of this world. I know this isn’t right. And yet still: Day after day I continue through this absolute bullshit. For what? I’m not really sure. The only life plan I have is to move to Germany once I’m out of university. I don’t know what I’ll study in university, nor do I know what I’ll do in Germany. All I know is I want to get as far away from everyone I know in Canada as I can. Sure the world as a whole is fucked up in this reality. But so are the people around me. If the only chance I have to ground myself here again is to distance myself from those who have hurt me, then so be it. I’ll move to another continent. I don’t care. I just want my life to be okay again. Then again, was it ever okay? I’ve always felt misplaced for as long as I can remember. And the irony of it all is I don’t hate myself. I don’t want to die because I hate me. I hate the world. I hate society. But I don’t hate myself. “Then why do you self harm?” Because I know I can’t direct my anger towards other people. I don’t hate me. I hate others, and take it out on myself. The reality of it all is that I tried to live a normal life when I was never made to live a normal life. I was never made live a life in this time period at all. I just wasn’t. I can blame it on whatever, but the reality is I tried to achieve something that was never meant to be; and when I failed I tried to blame everything except the actual cause. My entire life has came caving in on me the past 3 years and I blamed every person I could. To be honest I still kind of do. But I understand now that it wasn’t within their, or my, control. I threw things off. I wasn’t supposed to be here. Don’t get me wrong I’m not mad because I’m here. I’m mad because I don’t fit the pattern here. I was never meant to fit the pattern here. Regardless, I can’t change that fact. I’m determined to find a life plan and stick to it. I just don’t know what it will be or if I do figure it out, if it will fail miserably. I hope it doesn’t. But nothings worked out that well in the past…
Alright, finally updating this site again. Unfortunately, I am indeed still alive and here to post some more bullshit for y’all to read. Anywayyyy, at the end of December I messaged 15 saying I felt like I was forcing the friendship. Turns out he was only still around because he was scared I’d either kill myself or shoot up the school if he left. Which for context: I NEVER SAID I WOULD DO EITHER OF THOSE THINGS. HE CAME TO THAT NONSENSE CONCLUSION ALL ON HIS OWN. I mean I don’t really care but still. Ouch. The fuck. Lol. Anyway that’s irrelevant. He’s a bitch. His loss. Idc. Though I do think I pissed him off with one of the last messages I sent him. It was completely deserved though tbh. Besides I didn’t say anything THAT bad. If he was offended by what I said then that’s on him. It wasn’t even personal. It was just a general statement. Anywayyyyyy I’d say cishet men piss me off but he’s neither cis nor het (his pronouns are he/they), and he’s gay. So yeahhhh. But like as I was saying, anywayyyyy. Look man, we got a new person to introduce. That person is now going by the code number 12. I guess in a way you could call 12 my crush, though that term feels slightly odd to me. Sounds like a 6th grader but whatever. Beyond that, I honestly don’t know. I feel like I’m exactly where I was in April-June of 2021. Which if anyone who witnessed that era of this site is still around… You know what that was like. It’s weird, for sure. I mean it feels like I’m constantly contradicting myself and that’s probably because I am. April-June 2021 was one of the darkest times for me mentally. In many ways. Falling back into that has been strange. It’s lead to a lot of my opinions changing again. Y’know. Back to how things were back in those months. And whenever the last time before that was. It’s never gonna be normal for me. It’s never gonna be who I am. I know it’s not. I deflect my anger and hatred towards other people constantly but in the end it’ll only hurt me when I realize the reality of what I’ve said over the period of however long this mess lasts. But hey, we all say dumb shit sometimes. So oh well. Not like it’s hurting anyone anyway. Only person it might’ve hurt is 15… Whatever. People are dumb. If they can’t see the reality behind things then that’s their problem to deal with, not mine. Quite frankly as of the time being my biggest concern is keeping myself entertained and away from boredom. Dear god there’s nothing to do anymore. Literally nothing. COVID this and COVID that. Can’t do shit anymore. Don’t get me wrong I’m fully vaccinated and wear masks and all that. But like… Can I please have my life back?? I’ll wear a mask. I’ll do what ya want. But please for the love of god let me have a somewhat normal life besides that. This is getting ridiculous. I’m wasting away my high school years in a goddamn pandemic. I’m in the second semester of grade ten and have only attended my school in person for 4 months. And I had to take gym and English during those 4 months. The fuck. Worst two classes to have to take. I mean at least I got my PE credit out of the way. But still. Damn. It sucks. Guess there’s no way around that one though, huh. Anyway, it’s getting kind of late and I have school in the morning so I’m gonna go to bed.
I wanna fucking kms. My sister spent like half an hour talking about how I don’t care about how other peoples feelings and how I should watch Harry Potter with her because “it’ll make me happy” yesterday when I’ve literally tried to watch it before and I know I don’t want to. This is what I mean when I say my life feels like a serial killers origin story. Everybody around me just constantly tells me I don’t care about anyone but myself and at this point I’m starting to believe it. Yeah maybe I do only care about myself. But does no one ever think maybe that’s because no one cares about me except me? And even I don’t really like me. I just want this all to be done with. I wanna end all this bullshit and just be the closest I can get to being with Ted considering he’s the only person I know for a fact wouldn’t have said all this about me because people said the same shit about him. “You never think about my feelings.” And when was the last time you cared about mine? Huh? When? Literally fucking when? If I really only cared about myself then getting told shit like that wouldn’t make me feel like this. Yet at the same time…… I don’t really care that she’s upset. I’m just annoyed that she said all of that so maybe she was right. Maybe I really don’t care about anyone but myself. But even then. The reason I even wanna kms is because it’d make things easier for her so maybe not. I just don’t even know anymore bro. I really don’t. I know I’m not a good person. I knew that the second my sister said “there’s things you have do that you don’t want to.” And I legit just went “well yeah, the law exists” not even thinking her next sentence might be “and most people do things just to make other people happy”. I feel like a psychopath at this point and I don’t even mean that in a insulting way. I deadass feel like I’d qualify to be diagnosed with ASPD if I was 18. And idk if I would or not but I feel like I would. This is honestly just one of those times where I wish I actually had Ted. I know he’d reassure me I wasn’t the one in the wrong. I just know he would. But then again.. am I the one in the wrong? Idek anymore. Literally wtf is wrong with me bro. Even my own sister fucking hates me. There is no one left except my best friend since grade 7 & my probably columbiner friend from school who don’t hate me. And even the friend from grade 7 is doubtable considering he said he thought I was annoying not that long ago. Tbh I wish that kid from grade 8 really had killed me. Then I never would’ve had to deal with this and my family wouldn’t constantly end up arguing with me. I wanna kms but I already know if I try I’ll either fail or chicken out last second again so it’s not even worth a try at this point. They’d stop me. Act like they cared. And then it’d all go back to how it’s always been two days later and I’d be even more miserable. I dunno man. I really don’t know. I just wanna be with Ted. Be somewhere no one can hurt me. Be somewhere that I’ll finally have peace. But yeah.. that’s all I really have to say sooooooo……
Okay. It finally happened. I screwed myself over with my obsession with Ted so fucking far and I still don’t particularly care? I think I lost one of my closest friends because of an argument about Ted. And in a sense, I don’t feel bad but I, I made her think I did. So not only have I reached rock bottom in the sense that not even my irls want anything to do with anymore. I’ve hit rock bottom in the sense that I am literally manipulating people into staying in my life. It makes me sound like a fucking narcissist I know. But if I was one, I wouldn’t have an awareness to it, now would I? This all just feels so fucking strange. It really does. This girl is so much more than just a childhood friend. I’m pretty sure she was the first person I ever truly loved in a non-familial way and now she hates me. Maybe? I don’t know. I do care about her. I do. But it feels impossible to show when I simply can’t act like I care. I know in my heart that I care. But my mind doesn’t allow for me to treat her like I care. I wanna kill myself. Honestly I should. It’d make her happy, that’s all I ever wanted, isn’t it? Or did I wanna make Ted happy? Honestly at this point it’s beginning to feel like Ted has just been a scapegoat to avoid my feelings towards this girl because I didn’t want to admit I cared about her as much as I do. But at the same time: Ted means more to me than anyone will ever understand. I feel like I’m meant to be with him. I really do. The thought of being his just feels right.
Don’t get me wrong I may care about very few people. But Ted, this girl, and 15, are the only ones who will ever mean jack shit to me in the grand scheme of things. Anyone else can fuck off for all I care.
And btw. If you are that girl and somehow found this site: you’re still a manipulative little bitch even if I do care about you.
For the love of god. Could people not fucking joke about suicide? This school is bullshit enough on its own. I don’t need kids saying shit like “what if I was on the verge of killing myself?” (Direct quote from a classmate). Over their guidance counsellor not letting them switch courses and kicking them out of the guidance office right before class was supposed to begin.
Fucking dumbasses. Bitch I’m over here genuinely wishing I was dead. And you’re making jokes about “what if I was gonna kill myself”!? For the love of god. Have some fucking respect, bitch. People are seriously struggling. You needing to change a course isn’t life or death. Just wait until lunch for Christ’s sake. Idiot.
My bsf hates me apparently.
Can I please just have one normal friendship for the love of god-
I know I’m a terrible person. I know I don’t give a shit about you. But at least I act like I care. Could someone at least pretend to genuinely like me?
Y’all are all “you shouldn’t relate to murderers”. Maybe you shouldn’t treat me so badly that I relate to them in the first place. You ever think of that?
Wtf am I? A fucking joke? Why does everyone always act like they care so fucking much and then turn around and say they hate me one day?
Literally what did I do to deserve this? Exist? I DON’T EVEN WANT TO EXIST. EVERYTHING ABOUT MY FUCKING EXISTENCE FEELS WRONG AND YET I STILL HAVE TO GET ALL THIS BULLSHIT THROWN ON TOP OF IT!? CAN THE UNIVERSE PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A BREAK FOR FIVE DAMN SECONDS BRO-
Three fucking years bro. And it was all lies. Fuck people. Humanity is worthless anyway. I don’t get why I care so much. I was gonna ditch him anyway.
This is fucking bullshit bro. I didn’t do anything to deserve this. Literally what did I do? Did my fucking existence throw the universe off because I wasn’t meant to be here so now it’s trying to get rid of me? Bitch I’m working on it. Let me live in peace until I can think of a solid plan. For the love of god. I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t ask to meet any of these people. I didn’t ask for jack shit and yet this goddamn world constantly feels the need to see how far it can push me.
I swear to god one day it will push me to a breaking point. And when that day comes: everyone is gonna claim they did nothing wrong even though they were the entire cause. Suicide or homicide. Doesn’t matter. Either way people will try to take all the blame off themselves. Though the chances of it being homicide are basically zero considering how much fucking anxiety that would give me. I'd much rather end myself. There's no consequences to suicide.
My sense of reality and fantasy is so diminished that I feel almost as if I’m going to hit a breaking point. I know there’s a breaking point. And I will hit it eventually. But knowing I may still be in high school when it happens…… It’s unnerving.
I’m in a constant war with myself. A conflict with no solution. Not even death is a possible solution. And yet death is the conflict. And would be the solution.
Would be. If I lived a normal life. But I don’t. And I never will. So death isn’t an option. At least not my death. But anybody else’s death is also off the table. Because killing someone would end my own sense of normality. Whatever my normal is, anyway.
If I messed with someone else’s life I’d just end up in prison and it’d take away the TCC and take away Ted. It’d take away everything I have. Just as a failed suicide attempt would.
I suppose I just have to wait out the years. I’ll die eventually. Death is inevitable. Until then, I simply have to keep myself and others alive. Because if I don’t: it’ll ruin everything I have going for me in life. No matter how little I may have.
I hate that there’s no possible way for me to stop thinking about Ted. Literally nothing I do doesn’t remind me of him at this point. It’s not even just about associating him with negative things in my personal life. It’s just in general he is my every waking thought somehow. I know it’s an unhealthy obsession. I’m more than aware. But I literally can’t do anything about it. I’ve considered suicide. Yeah. Tried too. Didn’t go so well. But even if I was dead.. who’s to say this won’t happen again somehow? There’s no proof of what happens after death. I could kill myself and just be giving my mind a sense of ease for a little while before getting shoved right back into this mess one day. Or there could be nothing after death. Or the Christian’s could be right and I could get stuck in my mind for all of eternity, still unable to distract myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Ted. I really do. That man means more to me than my own life. Not that my life means much to me but you get the sentiment. But that’s the problem. I love him so much that in a strange way it makes me hate myself. It makes my own existence feel wrong somehow. So what? I copy him? Pull a Sol Pais? Live in misery? I don’t have many options. And the options I do have aren’t exactly the most cheery. “Just tell someone then.” Tell then what? I’m obsessed with a dead serial killer to a point that it makes me hate my own life? I can’t just fucking say that to someone bro. It’s not as simple as “just tell someone.” I feel trapped. Genuinely fucking trapped. Like I’m being tied down to a life of torment by the fact that if I try to kill myself I’ll just fail and get labelled crazy by the people who claim to love me the most. I’d lose everything I have if I tried to kill myself. I’d fail and then people would force me to talk about why and then I’d lose the TCC and I’d lose Ted even more than I already have. And I’d lose literally fucking everything that makes my life even remotely worth living anymore. So I have no choice but to sit in sheer internal pain because I have no choice but to wait it out at this point.
I fucking hate this bro. There’s literally nothing I can do. Not even suicide. I quite literally can’t do anything but sit around and wait for my life to end on its own accord. Or find a way to kill myself that’s fool proof. Like if I could get a gun somehow. Or jump in front of a train. Anything that would basically be guaranteed to work. But that would require a fuck ton of planning. And as much as I have nothing but time to waste. It doesn’t seem worth it with the risk someone would find me before I could do it. Dylan Pountney wasn’t wrong to say this world is like a prison. That it’s all designed to control people and keep us in line. It really is. That’s all there is to this world. And I guess realizing that has driven me to a strange point.
The worst part about it isn’t even that I feel like nobody cares about me. It’s the fact that I don’t care about them. The only person I care about at this point is Ted. I don’t care about myself, friends, family, anyone. Only him. I feel like a fucking psychopath sometimes. But if I really was a psychopath: Would I have this much empathy for Ted? Would that be possible? I don’t give a shit about anyone else. But I do technically have empathy. Just for a very specific person and only that person…
I feel like I’m too aware of my existence. Of humanity’s existence. I think about it too much. I have too much of an awareness. I have since probably as early as I can remember. Society confuses me. This world confuses me. We’re all just pawns in the game of whatever the government wants. Murder isn’t even real. But we all think it is. What is murder. Define it and don’t use the words “it’s homicide” because nurse assisted suicide is legal and morally acceptable. And don’t say “it’s the unwilling killing of another human being.” Because the death penalty exists. And that’s morally acceptable. What is murder, if not homicide?
I really do relate to Sol. In a strange way. I get what she meant by feeling like she was trapped in a place she didn’t belong. Because I’ve become all too accustomed to that feeling over the years myself.
It feels like literal hell on earth. A constant wish for something impossible. A constant dream of the past. A desire for love and knowing it’s too far gone to ever find. All I ever wanted from this life was genuine love. I wanted something to tie me down here and hold me back from being willing to see if I could find another chance. But there isn’t anything. And there never will be. Because nothing about my life is what it’s supposed to be. Even the things that feel right, feel wrong. There is no easy answer. Even death isn’t an easy answer. Death is fucking complicated. It’s not even a fucking option for me without extensive planning and extreme luck that I know damn well I don’t have.
I don’t blame Ted for how I feel. Honestly. I really don’t. But he has played a part in this and I’d be lying to say he hasn’t. But as much as people would like to say my thoughts and opinions are his fault. They aren’t. I simply have an awareness to reality that I wish I didn’t. Ted is what’s kept me grounded here for so long. And yet somehow as time has gone on. He’s become the thing that made me hate that I was grounded here.